Preach loud truth
420 blaze it Tollers
Jam session
Ceiling Lolkien
Shoot the Tolkpedo
Poke the Heretic
Chaika? Yes Chaika

What Tolkien Was Not

A very instructive poem for new students, telling them what exactly Tolkien was not.


It is a lie, by liars lied
That Tolkien did sneak out at night
To seek out graves of the deceased
Unholy hungers to be eased.

Nay! Tolkien was no ghoulish ghoul
Nor a bumbling zombie fool,
He was no vampire undead
And drank no blood in water's stead.

It is a fable often told
That Tolkien was a werewolf bold
Who howled in Stanley Unwin's ear
Till Unwin published out of fear.

A stupid tale it is in which
Tolkien was a flying witch
His broomstick was, though long and thick,
Just used to beat the heretic.

Though idiots might tell you that,
Tolkien was no mutant bat
Nor was he Sauron with a ring on.
He also never was a Klingon.

It is a lie that makes me laugh
That Tolkien might be a giraffe
With a neck of twenty feet -
Nay! Normal was his neck indeed.

Tolkien was no fish of jelly
Nor a nasty skunk so smelly
He was no pizza hawaii
Nor was he very kawaii.

He was no bottle of fine wine
No oak nor willow, ash nor pine
Did not consist of wooden blocks
And was no matching pair of socks.

You may ask me now, my student -
And this question would be prudent -
If Tolkien was not this and that,
Then what might he be instead?

What image of him may I paint?
Well, Tolkien was a holy saint!
If images you want to see,
Try Google and don't bother me.

Latest Additions

Tolkien Horoscope

Is it a good, difficult or bad day to read Tolkien?

Choose your zodiac sign:

Your horoscope:

Featured Content

Tolkien A-Z

A comprehensive collection of short truths from J.R.R. Tolkien's life, and the many wonders and miracles he bestowed upon the world. Put together and published here for the first time!


Visit me on Facebook:


Or meet me in person. I hold daily sermons in front of my prophet cave in the desert, whenever the voices tell me to. A small donation is welcome.