Preach loud truth
420 blaze it Tollers
Jam session
Ceiling Lolkien
Shoot the Tolkpedo
Poke the Heretic
Chaika? Yes Chaika

The Thirty-Six Lessons of Tolkien

The Thirty-Six Lessons, the earliest texts that foretell the coming of Tolkien, were written about 14,000 B.C. in an extremely obscure and archaic dialect of Proto-Atlantean. In 1951, fragments on coral-encrusted parchments were recovered from the library of the sunken continent Mu by Jacques-Yves Cousteau. I have now started the difficult task to translate them for the first time. So far, only two sermons are completed.

 

(Translator's note: Sermon 1 through 3 appear to deal with the preparations necessary for Tolkien's coming. At the very beginning, his name had to be coined.)

 

Sermon 3


The art of Speaking was still new in the world, and the Duke of Blaathr had not yet been aggrandized to his later glory, though his children were already loud.

In this age a priest-king lived alone in Speich, the temple made of diamonds and uninterpreted meanings, which lies in the middle of the desert of Woordh. He was the keeper of the holy syllable, which is "Tol".

One day, five pilgrims rowed over the Sea of Spittel that encloses the desert of Woordh. Over the letter-shaped sand they walked barefeet. The sharp "t" and "k" inflicted wounds upon them. Blood nursed many flowers and useless sayings that sprung where they walked.

They walked for a thousand years. Then the five pilgrims approached the temple. One of them had a mouth. He spoke a syllable. It was of no use. He spoke a second syllable. It was forgotten. He spoke a third and last time. The syllable he spoke was "Kien". He had nothing more to say ever.

The Keeper of the Temple bowed low. "Truth has been uttered", he said. He made money from his left arm and bought blacksmiths from the mountains of Gaahrbel. The blacksmiths laboured three thousand years until the holy syllables were joined. "This word is the mightiest", said the Keeper. "Speak it now!"

The chief of the blacksmiths, a horse named Statter, said: "Kientol!"

Upon this the Keeper and the pilgrims were filled with wrath, for they felt the holy syllables had been poorly used. So they slew Statter, his sixteen wives and every blacksmith in the mountains. This is why to this day, no hammer falls in the mountains of Gaahrbel, and sadness reigns in Speich, the temple made of diamonds and uninterpreted meanings, which lies in the middle of the desert of Woordh.

And thus the coming of Tolkien had to be postponed, as he had not yet been properly announced.

The Speaking and Hearing of Holy Syllables
The parchment was illustrated with these symbolic paintings, which show the Speaking and the Hearing of the holy syllables.

 

(Translator's note: Sermon 4 through 6 appear to deal with the final, proper, finding of Tolkien's name and other necessary preparations.

 

Sermon 7


Thus the Regulators of Mouths, having finished the first dictionary, placed Tolkien's egg into a woman made of first editions. She then wandered through the desert for thirty-six months, in search of the place where Tolkien was meant to live. During her travels, many spirits came to see her and offered instructions to the unborn Tolkien.

The first spirit was the representation of Youthful Enthusiasm. He hugged Tolkien's mother tight, and she became soaked in Reading Effort. Tolkien's egg was delighted and did somersaults in her, bowing to the six corners of the world and saying: "Whoever performs this holy act shall be wise among the rest!"

The second spirit proposed to give Tolkien the gift of moving images, but he acted too aloof and was driven off by a headache spell. The third spirit, Phhaqq, the Duke of Scholarship, came down to Tolkien's mother while she rested under a fisherman's net of utilization. His garments were made from implications of analysis, and Tolkien's egg looked at them three times. The first time it said:

"Ha, it means nothing!"

After looking a second time it said:

"Hmm, there might be something there after all."

Finally, giving Phhaqq's garments a sidelong glance, it said:

"Amazing, the ability to infer significance in something devoid of meaning!"

"There is a footnote", Phhaqq said, and then he left.

After this, the Duke of Scholarship became a lesser thing, as did all his children. They have been useless to summon ever since.

 

(Translator's note: The rest of the sermons foretell Tolkien's birth, his wanderings and the many wonders associated with him. Except for sermon 28, which is probably a cake recipe.)

 

With apologies to Bethesda.

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