Preach loud truth
420 blaze it Tollers
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Ceiling Lolkien
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Poke the Heretic
Chaika? Yes Chaika

The Plights of Quabbz

An amusing and light-hearted collaborative story for children, to teach them in simple language how how horrible their punishment will be when they desecrate Tolkien.

 

Canto 1: A Horrible Bloodbath

Quabbz woke up in a cheap hotel in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. "Whoah!" he exclaimed. "My head hurts." He dimly remembered killing lots of people yesterday. They had desecrated Tolkien! Revenge had come upon them! Quabbz felt very proud. He was the tool of the Higher Beings to take revenge! He got dressed, went downstairs and hit the heads of the other guests. He used bottles of 1987 Château de J'oublié. Oh, how he swung the Salmanazar and the heavy Nebuchadnezzar! Merrily flowed the wine. The blood was a fountain. All sins were washed away. Quabbz went to bed again.

 

Canto 2: A Bloody Horror

Alas! this was not the last plight of Quabbz. The police came and shouted into his left ear. Quabbz endured this torture for six hundred hours. The sound ceased not. Quabbz could not sleep. "Begone!" he shouted. The police obeyed not. The police consisted of six thousand men. They were secret agents of the dark forces which hunted Quabbz and desecrated Tolkien! The police brought big cannons and fired them. The hotel was thoroughly destroyed. Quabbz escaped through a tunnel which he dug with his shovel, and he swore to take bitter revenge. More destruction ensued. A big battle was fought between Garmisch-Partenkirchen and Walchensee. The heavy tanks of the police were trying to encircle Quabbz near Unterammergau, but with a bold move he took Vorderbraunau first and annihilated the police force in six months of trench war! Finally, Quabbz was victorious! "Now everyone will love Tolkien", he said and enforced this vision upon the world. The world was happy.

 

Canto 3: A Horrendous Bath

Quabbz was elected president of the world. But there were still people out there who wanted to desecrate Tolkien! One of them was Zzbqw. Zzbqw came to Quabbz when he bathed. Quabbz bathed in the sweat virgins had shed while translating Tolkien to Akkala Sami. Quabbz knew the effort had paid off. The inessive was used gloriously. Tolkien was desecrated no longer. But Zzbqw would not cease! Words dropped from his mouth like fluid from a nose. The bath was soiled. Quabbz was angry. He brought down the roof. Concrete was in Zzbqw's hair. But Zzbqw was not yet defeated. "Tolkien was wrong!" he oozed. Now Quabbz had enough! Mighty punishment was exerted upon Zzbqw! Peace returned. Quabbz ate a sandwich. Nothing more ever happened.


 

Additional cantos


(When I first wrote these and posted them to alt.fan.tolkien, I had claimed that "nothing more ever happened". However, other authors chimed in, and the cantos just kept coming...)

 

Canto 4: The Return of the Zzbqw

(By Öjevind Lång)

Nothing more happened for three days. Zzbqw was put in chains at the bottom of a lava sea. But on the fourth morning, Quabbz woke up from a horrible dream in which Zzbqw had escaped from captivity and captured him. He discovered that it was not a dream. He was buried in orc-gore to this throat. Around him, various versions of My Little Pony were dancing and cavorting in such an ineffably cute way that Quabbz retched. Zzbqw, who was seated nearby on a three-legged stool, sniggered evilly. He was gnawing on a pig trotter. Quabbz looked blearily at it and then realized that it was actually one of his feet, detached by Zzbqw. "Let go of my foot!" he howled. Zzbqw grunted evilly and continued gnawing on the foot. The foot kicked him in the mouth, breaking several of his teeth.

 

Canto 5: The Revenge of the Jellyfish

(By Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter)

The jellyfish were annoyed. Quabbz was taking Tolkien's name in vain and refusing to properly honor the insights of MORAMBAR, who had proved Tolkien to be the Uebermensch heralded by Nietzsche. Zzbqw was blaspheming against Tolkien and had an unpronounceable name. So they caused the ocean to flood the earth and wipe out all terrestrial life while they revelled in an orgy of holy hatred for the abomination.

 

Canto 6: Uh-oh

(By Öjevind Lång)

In the final moment of extinction, the mightiest jellyfish, Jello Jellinek, suddenly remembered that jellyfish are terrestrial life too. That meant that they would also die - oh no! With a tremendous effort of will which cost him his own life and coloured the nearby mountains bright green, he reversed the process. However, all was not quite the way it had been before. All the horses in the world had wings and halos now, and Quabbz was rolling around on wheels whereas Zzbqw was upside down in a shaft with his feet sticking up into the daylight, leeks growing from his soles. How the orcs were laughing! They laughed with all their minds.

 

Canto 7: The Balrogs Are Annoyed

(By Count Menelvagor)

Irritated at the jellyfish attempt at mass murder, the balrogs dehydrated the oceans, thus wiping out all marine life and doing some mild damage to the environment. "Water sucks, anway," said a spokesbalrog with a shrug.

 

Canto 8: The Tolkien Strikes Back

(By Öjevind Lång)

"Ruffian!" shouted Quabbz and rolled up to the spokesbalrog on his two wheels. "Tolkien will not leave this unpunished!" The spokesbalrog laughed scornfully. Then the laughter died in his throat. The horizon had suddenly darkened. A forest of ents and huorns had appeared there. They came marching towards the balrogs. They were really angry because in the absence of salt water, they could no longer spice their draughts. "You have been HASTY!" thundered Treebeard. His hands extended forwards and gripped the spokesbalrog and froze onto it, and tore it up like bread-crust. It was like watching the work of great tree-roots in a hundred years, all packed into a few moments.

 

Canto 9: More Annoyance

(By Count Menelvagor)

The balrogs got irritated and wiped out all the forests. This in turn annoyed Yavanna, who became a ninja and went to war against the Balrogs. The rest of this canto has been censored.

 

Canto 10: The Plantation of Middle-earth

(By Öjevind Lång)

"Well, this is a nice pickle!" said Bombadil to Goldberry as they surveyed the burned field of slaughter, covered by the charred or roasted, reeking corpses of balrogs, ents and various other creatures.  "Well have to reseed all the forests. And you'll rustle up some freshwater springs, yeh?" "And find some oil for my wheels!" shrieked Quabbz. Zzbqw was unable to speak, being still planted upside down, but he waved his feet (the leeks on which were now nicely fried and fit to be eaten) to show that he wanted to be released from captivity.

 

Canto 10.5: Parlons un peu de français

(By Count Menelvagor)

"On doit cultiver so jardin," agreed the Count of Monte Fato. "I believe some vineyards would cover this part of Terre-moyenne very nicely. Then these two" - he waved a beringed hand in the direction of Quabbz and Zzbqw - can be our serfs. Would that not be charming?"

 

Canto 10.999: 10101001

(By Morgil)

The ruckus now begun to disturb Manwe's Oscar-party, and he ordered Aule to erect a massive mountain in the middle of the argument, and Ulmo to flood whatever was left. One of the survivors, a game designer elf, thought: "This gives me an idea..." Thus was created Populous, and the age of Amiga begun.

 

Canto 11: Aftermath

(By Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter)

"What cads!" commented the Count of Monte Fato.

 

Canto 12: Après-Monde

(By Noel Q. von Schneiffel)

The world was now utterly changed. Chaos ruled. Quabbz rolled into a pub that was lying on its side beneath the remnants of the Kilimanjaro, which some angry vala had piled up there. The pub was named White Horse. Quabbz ordered a beer, but the glass was filthy. Quabbz puked. He ordered fried leeks. They were served, but it was a trap! The leeks were those from Zzbqw's soles, the plate were Zzbqw's feet, which he held up through a hole in the table! Zzbqw was freed! Quabbz grabbed the feet. Beneath the table, Zzbqw grabbed Quabbz' wheels. They both viciously strangled each others' locomotive devices. It was a stalemate! The battle went on for six years.

Then Quabbz said: "Let us settle this dispute once and forever! Let us ask the Three Monosyllabic Maidens of Truth!" Zzbqw agreed. They went to the Desert of the House Where the Three Monosyllabic Maidens of Truth Live. They entered the house. It was a famous house. It had a whole desert named after it. The first Monosyllabic Maiden of Truth was a tiny woman. She was not bigger than Quabbz' left earlobe. "Toltoltoltoltol!" she chirped in a perfect C sharp. They went on. The second Maiden was a normal-sized woman who wore the garments of a queen. "Kien! Kien! Kien!" she chanted in a perfect C. Tension was now almost unbearable. Quabbz and Zzbqw went to the third Maiden, who was a gargantuan woman. Her head touched the clouds. They were very high clouds, of the Cirrostratus type. "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuules" she boomed in C flat. Zzbqw was humbled. "I see now", he said and bowed low.

- The End -

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