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Tolkien and... Coffee

A student inquired: "Did J.R.R. Tolkien invent coffee?"

 

No, but there is indeed a connection.

Coffee was invented in 1491 by Popocatepozuatcl, the chief god of the Inctecs, in what is today Mexico. His followers prayed all night long for the coming of Tolkien, but they kept falling asleep and were thus not accumulating enough prayer power to will Tolkien into existence. So the god P. gave them coffee to strengthen their wills and fasten their prayers.

Tolkien could have been born that very time, speeding human history up by 400 years, if not the Holy Inquisition in Spain had been informed. Those blasphemous heretics sent their most fearsome fighter, Generalfeldmarschall Christopher Columbus, to wipe out the Inctecs and deprive P. of followers! It was a massacre. Nobody prayed for Tolkien any more! His coming was postponed.

Thankfully, the evil Spanish Inquisition Empire was destroyed in 1588 by the English, who then took over the task of willing Tolkien into existence. They also recovered the coffee recipe from the wreckage and hid it in the Colonies, where it later fell into the hands of George Washington's illegitimate son, Dr. Starbucks.

Thankfully, the English managed to pull off the Coming of Tolkien even without the coffee recipe, by overdosing on black tea.

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