A student inquired: "Did Tolkien need to trim his nose hair, like normal people?"

No. The truth is, J.R.R. Tolkien's nose hair was perfectly trained. It never grew longer than necessary. Two billion men all over the world envied him.

Also, one of his nostrils was coated internally with gold and one with platinum. All his snot drops, while running through these luxurious halls, exclaimed: "How glad I am to live inside J.R.R. Tolkien!"